Perhaps the most common question I get as a Charleston divorce mediator is, “How do I tell my kids I’m getting divorced?” Even when the parents are able to resolve their outstanding legal and financial issues through mediation, there is still a sense of dread when it comes to explaining the situation to their children. And while a parental divorce will affect a child of any age, there are different considerations when it comes to telling a toddler or preschooler versus a teenage or young adult child.
There’s certainly no “one size fits all” approach to telling your child you’re getting a divorce. But here are some basic things to keep in mind. And remember you do not have to go through this process alone. You should not hesitate to seek out professional advice from a child psychologist or other experts who specialize in helping children cope through this difficult period in their lives.
Think Before You Speak
Telling your child about a divorce is not casual conversation. This might seem obvious. But sometimes parents will not take the time to consider when, where, and how they will explain what is happening to their child. For instance, you probably shouldn’t tell your child about your divorce just before heading off to school for the day or have an important soccer match. Make sure you set aside an appropriate time to speak with your child and plan out what you will say.
Do It Together If Possible
Obviously, there are some scenarios where the parents cannot work together amicably, such as when there has been domestic violence or one parent is dealing with a serious untreated addiction. But, when possible, both parents should speak to their children together about their divorce. This can help avoid situations where one parent tries to “blame” the other for the divorce. More to the point, it can prevent children from feeling like they are caught in the middle of a fight.
It Is Not Their Fault
Along similar lines, you need to make it clear when speaking to your child that nobody is to blame for the divorce. Certainly, they are not to blame. Even if you feel like your spouse is largely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, playing the blame game with your kids doesn’t help anyone. Of course, you should always be honest with your children about what is happening. But you should avoid using your kids as an emotional sounding board for your marital issues–which, again, can lead them to think the divorce is their fault.
Consider the Age and Maturity Level of Each Child
Whether you have one or multiple children, you need to take into account each child’s age and emotional development when deciding how to explain your divorce. For instance, a toddler or preschooler cannot understand the concept of divorce. But they will react to the sudden absence of one parent from the home. Children that age are still completely dependent on their parents, so the disruption of their normal routine will have significant consequences. Younger school-age children, in contrast, may grasp the idea of divorce yet still experience feelings of abandonment, guilt, or anger towards one or both parents.
The key takeaway here is that you must be prepared to give your children–regardless of age–the time and support to process their emotions in their own way. Let them know they can come to you with any questions. But you should also not pressure them into talking with you about the divorce until they are ready.
Be Clear About Any Changes
There is no way to prevent your divorce from changing your child’s daily life or routine. But one thing you can do to help them through this difficult period is to be clear about what will change and what will stay the same. Make sure they understand where they will live, where you or the other parent will live if you’re moving out, and what the custody and visitation schedule will be moving forward. It’s also critical to reassure them that other parts of their routine will not change, such as attending school or spending time with their friends.
Consider Divorce Mediation
Many parents try to keep a failed marriage together because the mere prospect of divorce scares them. Even the word “divorce” tends to conjure images of angry parents battling each other in front of a judge over weekend and holiday visitation schedules. But there is nothing that says your divorce needs to go that way.
I’ve helped many South Carolina couples resolve their issues through divorce mediation. With mediation, you are in charge of your divorce as opposed to your lawyers. As a mediator, my goal is to assist you in negotiating a settlement agreement that you can both live with. It’s not about “winning.” It’s about doing what is best for you and your children.
So if you’d like to learn more about divorce mediation, call me today at 843-323-4687 to set up a consultation.
About Kenneth Peck
Kenneth Peck is a certified Charleston Family Court Mediator with more than 40 years of experience as a divorce attorney. He uses his knowledge and experience to guide couples in negotiating divorce settlements so they can save money, complete the divorce process quicker, and get better outcomes than they would at trial.