For some people, divorce is liberating. They are finally free of a failed marriage that was holding back them and their ex. But that freedom is often accompanied by feelings of loneliness. After all, you were once living and sharing your life with another person. And now you are back on your own trying to decide where life will take you next.
Psychologists will tell you that you need to grieve the end of a marriage just like you would any other loss. Obviously, that grief will take different forms for different people. But there are few things you should keep in mind should you suddenly find yourself overwhelmed by feelings of post-divorce loneliness.
Take Time to Process Your Feelings
There’s no set timetable for any kind of grief. You need to take time and process your feelings following a divorce. This doesn’t just apply to feelings of loneliness. You may also be dealing with anger, despair, guilt, and anxiety, and a host of other emotions that seem to come and go in waves.
Remember that as with any grieving process, you will experience healing over time. It can help to focus on the positive aspects of your post-divorce life. But you shouldn’t feel the need to rush and “get over” your feelings of loneliness before you feel ready. And there is nothing wrong with seeking help and guidance from a therapist or another qualified professional.
Opening Yourself Up to New Relationships
“You just need to move on and start dating again!”
This is often something people tell their recently divorced friends. On the surface, it seems like good advice. After all, if you’re feeling lonely, maybe that means you’re ready to meet someone new?
On the other hand, rushing into a new relationship too quickly can end up creating its own problems. There’s a reason we use the phrase “rebound relationships.” Many divorced people use a rebound relationship as a way of avoiding their grief as opposed to genuinely seeking a connection with a new person. This can end up making the person feel even more lonely once the rebound runs its course.
To be fair, that’s not always the case. Many relationships that start out as a rebound will grow into deeper, committed partnerships over time. And you should be open to the possibility of new relationships. But if you someone immediately following your divorce, you should be aware of some of the signs you may be in a mentally unhealthy rebound relationship:
- You find yourself constantly comparing your new partner–favorably or unfavorably–to your ex.
- You find yourself rushing to “move things along” with your new partner much faster than you normally would in a relationship.
- You find yourself suddenly lashing out at your new partner for seemingly no reason, which may indicate you are still processing your feelings over your divorce.
- You find yourself over-sharing your relationship on social media or in gatherings with friends, as if you are trying to convince everyone you are “over” your divorce.
- You find yourself taking on more than one relationship at a time.
One question you should ask yourself if you think you might be in a rebound relationship: Is the only reason I’m with this person to avoid dealing with my own feelings of loneliness?
Practice Self-Care
Divorce is stressful. It doesn’t matter if things ended amicably with your ex and you were able to negotiate a settlement of the legal and financial issues. You still need to make a number of physical and emotional adjustments to your new life. Loneliness often arises from a failure to take care of yourself during and after the divorce.
With that in mind, here are a few things you might want to try when it comes to practicing post-divorce self-care:
- Create (or re-establish) a daily routine for yourself.
- Take time each day to exercise; physical activity often improves your mental state as well.
- Make sure you are getting enough sleep each night.
- Take time to re-connect with other family members and old friends.
- Keep a daily journal of your thoughts and feelings.
- Be compassionate with yourself.
Your Divorce Does Not Define You
Divorce is a process of transition. Loneliness will likely be a part of this transition. But that should not define you moving forward with your life.
I’ve seen many people go through this process as a Charleston divorce mediator. When it comes to dealing with your emotions, healing often comes with time. As for the legal process, resolving your divorce through mediation can help by making things less stressful on you as you look to build your new life.
If you’d like to learn more about divorce mediation, call me today at 843-323-4687 to schedule a consultation.
About Catherine Marra
Catherine Marra is a nationally certified Divorce Mediator with over 30 years of experience in Family Law, including 20 years in private practice and 10 years as a Family Court Magistrate. She uses her knowledge and experience to guide couples in negotiating divorce settlements so they can save money, complete the divorce process quicker, and get better outcomes than they would at trial.