You knew your marriage wouldn’t be perfect. You and your spouse have different backgrounds, perspectives, and desires.
But you expected to be able to compromise and work together through the ups and downs of life.
Now, you wonder if you made a terrible mistake. You wonder if your marriage has become toxic.
You constantly feel drained, anxious, and detached when you’re with your spouse. You’ve tried to do your part to fix things, but the marriage is not getting any better.
So how do you know if you’re just going through a temporary rough patch in a healthy marriage or if your marriage has actually turned toxic? And if your marriage is toxic, what can you do?
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Marriage?
A toxic marriage can eventually lead to the complete breakdown of your relationship. It can also lead to significant mental and emotional pain.
One psychologist and therapist named Dr. John Gottman identified four characteristics in marriages that could very accurately predict a marriage that will end in divorce. These four characteristics have been dubbed “The Four Horsemen”.
| Definition | Example | |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Attacking your partner’s character instead of a particular problem or situation. | Telling your partner: “You never listen to me. You’re always so caught up in yourself. |
| Contempt | Expressing moral superiority over your spouse and showing disgust through sarcasm, ridicule, and disrespect. | “Oh, you’re busy? I’m 10 times busier than you and I still find time to cook dinner. You’re literally the laziest person I know.” |
| Defensiveness | Blaming all conflict on the actions of your partner and avoiding taking any responsibility. | “It’s not my fault this happened. You’re the one who came up with the idea anyways.” |
| Stonewalling | Withdrawing from all interaction and connection with your spouse. | Giving your spouse the silent treatment, ignoring them, walking out of the room to avoid conversation, or using your phone while they are talking to you. |
If you notice these patterns in your marriage, you are very likely in a toxic marriage.
These toxic behaviors often lead to the following symptoms:
- Keeping secrets from your spouse to avoid criticism.
- Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy with your spouse
- Lack of verbal communication besides trivial day-to-day administration
- Controlling behavior by one or both spouses due to a lack of trust
- Avoiding spending time alone with your spouse. Instead, you may find yourself spending all your free time with your children or people outside the home.
- The feeling of always “walking on eggshells” when your spouse is around.
What Should You Do If You’re in a Toxic Marriage?
If you realize your marriage is toxic, there are certain things you can try to do to repair things. For many couples, marriage counseling can be an effective way of helping couples identify and work through their problems. A quality Charleston marriage therapist can identify which bad patterns are present and help provide alternative methods of communicating. But, this type of couple’s therapy will only work if both spouses are willing to try to save their marriage.
If your spouse is unwilling to try counseling, or if therapy has failed to improve things, it may be time to consider divorce. In the end, only you will be able to decide if your marriage can be repaired. Still, it can be wise to seek advice and support with trusted friends and family.
A Charleston Divorce Can Be a New Beginning for Your Family
Divorce can often be viewed negatively in certain communities and can even result in stigmatization. But the truth is, divorce can help you escape a toxic life filled with depression and anxiety.
Staying in a toxic marriage can have significant negative impacts on your well-being, such as increased stress, depression, and loneliness. These feelings can eventually result in physical health problems or drive you to substance abuse. This is why divorce may be the better option when all else fails.
If you can’t rid your marriage of toxicity, divorce may be the key to building a better future for you and your family. By escaping bad patterns, you can model healthy behavior to your children and the people around you.
Our Charleston divorce mediation lawyers are here to help you through the divorce process step by step. With mediation, you can work with a neutral Charleston divorce mediator to negotiation a divorce settlement without going through the court system. Contact our office today to schedule a free consultation.
About Kenneth Peck
Kenneth Peck is a certified Charleston Family Court Mediator with more than 40 years of experience as a divorce attorney. He uses his knowledge and experience to guide couples in negotiating divorce settlements so they can save money, complete the divorce process quicker, and get better outcomes than they would at trial.